A Yank in King Artie's Court

A YANK

IN

KING ARTIE'S COURT

By

Chip Proser and Jim Proser


                                
Copyright  C
Registered WGA,w

We'd  apologize to Mark Twain, but
	        he's dead.

    Same goes for Tom Malory
       and Al Tennyson.

	          And Lerner

 	           and Lowe.
. EAST HARTFORD INDUSTRIAL PARK - PRESENT TIME INT. MAGNOTECH INDUSTRIES - CORRIDOR Hank Morgan, green twill shirt and pants, work boots. Belt holster full of tools. Name tag - Hank. He walks the halls nodding, greeting people familiarly. They all like and need Hank. He walks with blue collar authority, but also with an attitude...the perennial Master Sergeant who will never make officer, but who has to keep the whole enterprise running. OFFICE - WALL TO WALL WORKSTATIONS A pretty blond woman, IRENE, in a corporate female power suit rushes up to him, pulls him over to her workstation. IRENE Oh, there you are, at last! HANK What's the problem, Irene? IRENE Just went "pooh", like that! Now, nothing. HANK Let me take a look at it. He flips the on/off switch...nothing. He takes out a screwdriver, is about to take the back off when he looks down. The power plug is lying on the floor. He plugs it into the wall. The computer fires up. Irene looks sheepish. IRENE Oops! What'd you do? You're a genius! HANK Must have kicked the plug out. Here, see. If you've got no power at all, first thing you look for is the plug. IRENE No, Hank. When something goes, first thing I look for is you. He points to the rippling screen. HANK Simple electrical connection. IRENE Yes, yes, of course. I'm just no good with technical things. HANK Just common sense... She cools to him, becomes businesslike, reasserts her place. IRENE I suppose so. Thanks Hank, you're a dear. HANK Deer's a big ungulent with antlers. IRENE What? HANK I'm a maintenance supervisor. Different animal altogether. IRENE Oh yes, I see. Well, thanks. I'll call you when I need you. She turns back to her terminal, dismissive. INT. HALL Hank walks on. A guy, ELLIOT, scurries up, waving readouts. ELLIOT Hank, I just worked it out. Seven thousand, four hundred and three. And that's best-case scenario. HANK What? I've worked here for 26 years. That's my retirement? ELLIOT Yeah, well, as you know, the trustees elected to invest in junk bonds. ...We took a hit. HANK A hit! Pearl Harbor was a hit. This is a disaster! ELLIOT Yeah, well look...if Arizona real estate ever comes back... They watch as executives rush by surrounded by aides. One of them glances at Hank, then they are gone...busy...important. HANK I'll bet he didn't take a hit. ELLIOT Him, no. He's got a golden parachute. He screws up and makes money at it. The health plan is gone. HANK What? How did this happen? I don't understand. ELLIOT The go-go 80's. The Reagan doctrine... HANK My father worked here before me. We made bicycles. We've been in business since 1848. Always paid a living wage. ELLIOT ...Had to cut back to lower overhead. Merged with Itel to get the stock up. Officers took it private, leveraged buyout. Got raided... hostile takeover...green mail. Had to divest to raise money for the lawyers. And here we are! Can't afford to make bicycles. HANK I'm broke, divorced. ELLIOT And soon out of a job. HANK What have I got to live for? (half kidding) Oh, woe is me, woe is frigging me! ELLIOT Yeah, well, there's always wrestling on TV... HANK Here we are, the pinacle of civilization...and a man can't relax for a frigging minute! A beeper goes off. They both check their belts. HANK It's me. (into beeper) This is Hank. (listens) It's the professor. Wisbrod. How come they still have money for him? ELLIOT He must be close to something. HANK Yeah, a breakdown. Taken a peek at him, lately. I think his attic needs dusting. ELLIOT Yeah, good luck. INT. LABORATORY Filled with the high-tech equipment. A wizened professor waves Hank over. He flips switches on an huge new machine. HANK Hi, Mister Wizard! WISBROD There you are, just in time! Hank runs his hands over the mass of buttons on the face of the machine. Wisbrod hands him a thick power cord. HANK Ahh...the wayback machine! What did this cost? The professor ignores this, lost in his own musings. Hank checks a monitor screen setting. HANK June 21, 528 AD...What's that? WISBROD I use solar eclipses to target the past. HANK Yeah, well, could you go forward and check out the Mets game. I got twenty on it and I'm giving five runs. He notices an empty rat cage, picks it up. HANK Hey, where's Ratso Rizzo? WISBROD Sent him back. HANK In time? WISBROD Yep, think so. HANK Can you get him back? WISBROD Ah, that's the problem. No. Targeting's a lot harder. HANK Then how y'know you sent him? Picks up an ancient, dusty book. WISBROD With a rat, you don't. Now, a man, you would. A man could change history. Look here. See this obscure reference to Sirbus. I think that's a clue. HANK What book is that? Mort D'Arthur? Sounds like a Vegas comic. Wait a minute! 528 AD, that's the dark ages. WISBROD Not dark..Just unenlightened. No pollution, No traffic, no daytime TV. No ex-wives, no alimony. No lawyers. HANK (wistfully) Sounds divine. WISBROD Yeah, the right volunteer could maybe bring enlighten- ment a thousand years early. HANK Yeah, swell... Now, you sure you need all this power? WISBROD Yes, yes. HANK This is a main trunk line. I don't know. WISBROD Hank, if I got to go to the board, it's forms in triplicate. Nothing'll happen. Just do it, please. HANK Well okay, but I take no responsibility. WISBROD (darkly) That's okay, I'll take it all. HANK You sure it's off? WISBROD Sure, red on, black off. Or is it the other way. It's a foreign unit. HANK Just, whatever you do, don't turn it on. He crawls under to connect. The professor becomes excited. WISBROD Or...red off? Black on! He switches the switch. HANK Hey. NO. Yeaow! A FLASH - AN ELECTRICAL BLEEP - BLACKNESS. SOMEWHERE ELSE Hank wakes lying against an oak tree in the idyllic landscape of a Constable painting. Fluffy clouds pierce a perfect blue sky. Green hills and golden meadows roll into the distance. Hank, starts. He looks around, feels himself. He's in one piece. He wears the same clothes and toolbelt. A shadow falls in front of the lowering sun. He glances up, shields his eyes. A figure on horseback prances in the glittering rays. Sun sparkles off armor, off banners, and off the tip of a lance. Hank looks up at SIR KAY. HANK What, the Circus in town? SIR KAY Circus? Fair sir. There be no acrobats, but plenty of fools. Now, will ye joust? HANK Will I what? Where the hell..? SIR KAY Will ye take my challenge or yield, sir? Hank gets up, rubbing his head, looks around. HANK Thanks, I got the picture. You're a knight, great. Sir Kay wheels his horse around, trots back aways, spins and charges, the lance coming down, driving directly at Hank. HANK Hey, what the... Oh shit! Hank darts one way, then the other. At the last moment he jumps, grabs a branch. Terror vaults him into the tree! Sir Kay roars under. The knight wheels and returns. SIR KAY Stand down sir, or meet your fate. He pokes his lance, Hank shifts to avoid the sharp point. CRACK! The branch breaks, Hank slams onto the knight knocking him to the ground. Hank springs up. Sir Kay is immobilized by his heavy armor. Incensed, Hank jumps around the helpless knight, kicking him in his armor-clad butt. HANK The hell you think you're doing? You could've killed me! Bad for tourism! I'll have your job! SIR KAY Ow! No more, friend. 'Tis my job, good man. I mostly kill people. Ow! HANK Yeah, Right! (he looks around, shouts) Police! Sir Kay stumbles, clanking, trying to get to his feet. SIR KAY Please! Sire, this is not meet. I be laughed from the round table. I beseecheth thee. Do but pretend to surrender and I will bring thee before Arthur. HANK Arthur, who cares!. Who the hell's Arthur, the Tin Man? SIR KAY The king! King Arthur. Hank studies him for a beat, then decides. HANK Yeah?! We're going to the first pay phone. SIR KAY Whatever thy requests of this kingdom, 'tis at the court. Help me up, good friend. Hank hesitates, then levers the knight to his feet. He inspects the armor closely, astonished. HANK You knock over a museum too? This stuff is real. You could 'a made it out of fiberglas, get the same effect. I might be able to get you a price. Any other knights around here? The knight waits patiently. SIR KAY And a hand re-mounting, Sire. Sir Kay indicates his horse nearby. Hank starts to chuckle. HANK You want to see Arthur for your medication, right? SIR KAY Medi - cation? HANK Come on, let's find a phone, get you tucked in for the night. Hank heaves Kay into the saddle. They start off together. SIR KAY Good friend, pray precede me... as if captured. T'would be a great boon to me. HANK Sure pal. Whatever you say ah.. SIR KAY Sir Kay, an it please thee. HANK Fine, whatever keeps you calm, but I'm watching you. I'm Hank. SIR KAY Oh indeed, sire. SCENIC VIEWPOINT - LATER They crest a hill. A classic romantic castle clothed in mist commands a beautiful valley with a winding river below. HANK What the hell is that? SIR KAY Why... Camelot. HANK Right. So where's Caesar's Palace? What are they, bringing gambling to Connecticut? I'm against it, I just want you to know... How far are we from Hartford, anyway? SIR KAY Forsooth never did I hear that name until thy spake it. Yon fortress is the castle of our gracious king and hall of the Round Table. They start down the hill...toward Camelot. HANK You're pretty good. I saw this show once, Star Search. Ever heard of it? They look for guys with strange talents. You're one of them. Now I happen to know this casting director... IN THE VALLEY. A soft, summer landscape; lovely as a dream. A pretty little girl, cascading blond hair woven with flowers, walks blissfully along. She pays no attention to Sir Kay, but stops when she sees Hank and stares in terror. HANK Me? Look at him! She stands, mouth open, gaping at Hank as they pass. CASTLE VILLAGE They pass a wretched thatched hut in a ragged garden. Peasants, filthy and animal-like, stop their labors and stare at Hank. Some salute Sir Kay. He ignores them. HANK Smell those flowers. And no smog, no pollution? How do you guys do that? What is it, an ion projector or something? A BLAST OF TRUMPET announces a noble cavalcade. Armored knights; all plumed helmets and flashing gear, pass through the mud, swine and naked brats without seeing any of it. Hank watches. He's impressed. HANK What's this, like a club? All you guys...a historical thing? Sir Kay motions for them to follow. Hank looks at him and falls into line with the procession. CAMELOT CASTLE TRUMPETS SOUND a welcome as they enter. HANK Geez! Looks real! This is great! Theme park, is it? Fabulous! ...Japanese? IN THE CASTLE KEEP The procession enters a cobblestone courtyard to tumultuous greetings. Walls tower over crooked buildings, crooked alleys, crooked folks. Brightly dressed ladies and courtiers applaud. Ragged peasants gape in awe and cringe. A beautiful wench holds her arms up to Sir Kay. He reaches down, swings her onto his saddle. He whistles to a page in colorful silk, CLARENCE, points at Hank. SIR KAY See to this one. Everyone turns, gapes at Hank. Clarence too. He ventures. CLARENCE At your service, sir. HANK You work for Disney, right? CLARENCE Nary fair sir, me seemeth. HANK Do me a favor, please... Speak American, alright? CLARENCE What strange language doth issue forth. Mayhaps you are a traveller from the East? HANK Right! East Hartford. Now if you could show me to a phone...I seem to have had a fugue state. Last thing I remember, I was plugging in... CLARENCE Prithee, I am unlearned of your request. Say thee "phone"? HANK Listen, all of this, the tights, the armor, is cute, really knockout cute. I can't tell you how the girls at the office would love it but I gotta get out of here. I've things to do. Y'see Sir Kay, lovely guy, really... he got a little wild out there. You know, overexcited with the lance and all. I think he's off his medication. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to stay and joust, tour the dungeons the whole bit, but you understand... I got an office full of eggheads who can't find their butts with both hands. CLARENCE (laughs happily) Verily, thou shalt tour the dungeons. Thou'rt the property of the good Sir Kay. HANK Yea right! I get the idea. King Arthur. Camelot. Listen, just take me to the top man here. CLARENCE Ho! An audience with the king you shall have, good sir. I warn against speaking directly to him though. 'Tis not good form, nor oversafe. HANK Ring, ring, helloooo? Are you taking calls from Earth? I want to see somebody now! CLARENCE Thou must be a prince to speak so harshly. 'Tis my lucky day. Sire, speak to no other, for I am thy sworn page. Permit me to explain. 'Tis the king's custom to see prisoners right at supper, when the heavy drinking and merriment begin. Sir Kay will brag to the illustrious knights regarding his exploits in your capture. He will embellish the account no doubt, but 'tis not wise to correct him. And when you are done being exhibited, then to the dungeon you go! There will you dine most poorly among the rats until your friends ransom you, unless you chance to rot, first. As Clarence speaks, a line of slaves linked together by a crude iron chain is being whipped by a man on horseback. Hank cringes from the blows, looks back at Clarence. HANK You see that? That looked real! CLARENCE Oh yes, yes. Fine forehand. Hank's hand goes to his head. Slowly, realization dawns... HANK Wisbrod! He did it, really! OH...MY...GOD! I knew I should have bought stock! Ah, Clarence, you mind if I call you Clarence? What year do you make it? CLARENCE It be 528, sir. HANK No, wait, it's a dream. Hanks looks over the place. Slowly, his face brightens as he realizes the possibilities for himself. HANK But if it is 528, I've got 1500 years on these guys. Clarence, c'mere. He puts his arm around Clarence, walks him away. HANK Around the kingdom... ever heard of any... bicycles? Clarence shakes his head "no". HANK How about... paper clips? Again no. HANK Soap? CLARENCE Kind sir, I am apprised of many things yet nary have I happed upon such as you say. I can woodcraft and have apprenticed to an armorer and blacksmith, and can work metal. Behold. Clarence pulls out a crude steel and flint contraption. He strikes a spark from it. The crowd points at Hank, giggling. CLARENCE With it can I summon fire. 'Tis a small thing yet useful to me. Hank takes the contraption, examines it closely. HANK You thought of this? CLARENCE Aye sire. HANK Does anyone else know of it? CLARENCE None would be interested. `Tis for my own amusement. TRUMPETS BLAST from the ramparts, startling Hank. Two guards move in close...and smile sarcastically. GUARD Your chamber's ready, sire. HANK Thanks, but I'll just look around for a while. The two guards laugh and grab him roughly, whisking him off. HANK Hey! Wait a minute! I gotta a deal with Kay! Oh Kay! Oh Kay! The crowd roars. They love him. They imitate him. CROWD Oh Kay! Oh Kay! CLARENCE Fear not, dear traveller, I will find a way to cheer you up and get word to your friends. The guards duck-march him away. HANK Clarence. I may need your help. Clarence tags along. CLARENCE By my oath, I swear it, but thou'rt of some rank where you hail from, duke perhaps, sheriff? HANK Rank?! CLARENCE Aye, thou must have some noble blood elst why should I toil for thy freedom? 'Tis commerce, thou understand. HANK Yes, yes, for God's sake, I'm past treasurer of the Jaycees. CLARENCE Treasurer! I shan't fail thee Sir...my liege. I wilt serve in faith! (to himself) What are Jaycees? Hank is dragged away. Clarence runs after his new Master. THE GREAT HALL. Banners hang from arched beams. Pigs roast in a huge fireplace. Guards in mail stand rigid along the walls. At a rough-hewn ROUND TABLE rowdy, crude knights drink from ox horns, hack off chunks of meat, pull women onto their laps, whack each other and laugh uproariously. Diners entice dogs with bones then wipe their greasy hands on the fur. A fluffy dog is passed from knight to knight as a napkin. A dogfight breaks out. Knights cheer them on as ladies giggle. Hank is thrown with other prisoners on the stone floor. Dirty and bleeding, they wait silently to learn their fate. Hank overhears a knight impressing a giggling lady. KNIGHT Well I hacked his head off with one blow. Bled like a fountain! Thou shouldst have seen it! KING ARTHUR and QUEEN GUENEVER sit at the table. Arthur is a small man, with a large nose and wild eyes that bulge from beneath bushy black eyebrows. He is the life of the party, and jokes and cavorts with his knights. Queen Guenever is light-haired, thin and tall. She's bored. Her eyes wander, searching for something of interest. At her sign, a guard drags six prisoners up to face Queen and King. PRISONER Good Queen Guenever. We appear before you at the command of Sir Kay, having been vanquished in fair and sturdy battle. Hank moves as Clarence sidles up, whispers in his ear. CLARENCE Silence sire, I shall acquaint thee with the customs of our land. In a thousand years ye shall never match such lies as we now encounter.. Oh no! An old man with a white beard stands at the table. He wears a flowing black gown and coned hat. All knights and the king now have the same suffering look on their faces. CLARENCE We shall have it again, that same old weary tale. Is there no hope of mercy in this world? HANK Who is it, your accountant? CLARENCE Merlin, the mighty liar and magician. None wouldst listen but that he hath storms and all manner of devils at his beck and call. Prithee, call me at evensong. Clarence props himself against Hank's back and dozes off. MERLIN ...and anon I was once doing lightnings and thunder, or was it hail? Well, a thunder spell uses much eye of newt, I was low on newts, well, newts with eyes, I had many blind newts... Knights, guards, king and queen drop off as Merlin rambles. MERLIN ...many very angry newts, then did I use toads. I like toads.. Flies buzz in and out of snoring, open mouths. MERLIN ...I enjoy squeezing them... Sir Kay awakes with a start! He yawns. He ties goblets to a dog's tail. The dog tears around in a frenzy. Other dogs bellow after him. All wake and laugh til tears flow. Sir Kay swallows a mouthful, stands, swigs from a goblet, belches. SIR KAY Ah...yes! Thank you, Merlin. Wonderful tale, as always. Another burst of LAUGHTER. Sir Kay points at Hank. Guards pick him up, drag him before the king. SIR KAY And so...in a far land of barbarians, who all wore the same ridiculous garb...garb that is the work of enchantment, et cetera, et cetera. I killed thirteen knights in a three hours' battle and took yon varlet prisoner, this tusked and taloned man-devouring ogre. He turns and motions Hank to rise. HANK Who? Me? CLARENCE Alas, Sir Kay, is not a great liar but, 'tis better than naught at all. SIR KAY He sprang to the top of a tree... one..uh, no two... two hundred cubits tall. And I brast his bones with a rock, near the size of my steed. The other knights HOWL! They throw bones and other food at him. Sir Kay cuts to the punchline. SIR KAY `An it please your highness, I should like to hang him tomorrow at noon. Hank bolts upright, suddenly very alert. HANK Hang? Did he say hang? CLARENCE 'Tis our custom. SIR KAY What say thee noble Galahad? Sir Galahad downs his tankard of mead and grabs a wench. GALAHAD We've a surfeit of hangings of late. Why not the rack? A round of APPLAUSE. SIR LANCELOT is 18 and gorgeous beyond words but rather dim-witted. LANCELOT Prithee, thine pleasure is all times the rack? Mayhaps your purpose is to "stretch" the merriment? The knights LAUGH. Guenever giggles and glances furtively at Lancelot. Arthur notices the look, goes back to drinking. HANK Uh...may I say something. Everyone ignores him. He whistles loudly. HANK Excuse me! May I approach the bench? The tumult stops in mid-burp. Everyone looks at Hank. He tries to be pleasant and level-headed. He approaches the king. Guards bring swords to his throat. Arthur's intrigued. ARTHUR Hold! Let the bold stranger speak. HANK Thank you, your honor. First of all, it's a pleasure to be here in your castle. A lovely place, and as good looking a crowd as I've ever seen. (turns to Lancelot) By the way, did you know Robert Taylor's gonna play you on TV. Now, first of all, I helped Sir Kay when he fell and we made a deal, a verbal agreement, I admit, still, you know, the honor of your court... knighthood, and all that...You do want to be fair? I did hear that about you, didn't I...fairest in the land..or is that Rapunzel? No she had the hair...no matter.. any way... (big expansive gesture) ...let's...talk...SETTLEMENT! No response except BOOS and CURSES. HANK Okay, Okay... Kay? I mean I didn't expect roses, but hanging, does that seem fair?` Everyone looks at each other and nods 'yes'. HANK Wait a minute! Kay? Kay come on tell 'em... SIR KAY It is exactly as I said. I slew fifteen knights...and a dragon, while this one jumped three hundred cubits into the air.... HANK Whoa now Kayster, come on. I mean you... you really are the knights of the Round Table, right? Like..."days of old... knights were bold..." that Round Table? Well, you guys are into chivalry right? Sir Kay nods his head yes. HANK So now how does it work? I beat you, help you up and then I hang? That's chivalry? SIR KAY Um...just that latter part. HANK Hey excuse me, everybody. Let's not rush into something we'll all be sorry for later, okay? When, with any luck I can teach you all the Lambada by Evensong! Now, why go to all this bother over me. So much trouble...hanging, the rack... And the expense! Just think of it! It's all so predictable. You rack somebody, they scream, beg for mercy..Same ol' shit, see what I mean? Now I know you guys and I just gotta feeling you're all a lot more visionary than that! Think of your image! Whispers among the nobility. They stare curiously at Hank. MERLIN Hold... This strange language, I recognize it as from the land beneath the sea. Indeed a dangerous and enchanted place, well known for ogres. SAGRAMOR Indeed, this varlet speaks out of his station! Sire, leave me to cut him short... Sagramor pulls his sword to general applause and encouragement. He moves toward Hank. Hank backs. He pulls out his electric screwdriver. He presses the button. The electric WHIRRING freezes everyone in their tracks. HANK Hold it! Don't force me to get tough! I'll disassemble you down to your chain shorts! They freeze. Merlin timidly comes forward. MERLIN Hold Sagramor! It troubleth me, the enchantment of his garb, the strange instruments he doth carry. SIR KAY Forsooth 'twas a land of vast enchantment... SAGRAMOR Then will I just liberate his loose tongue for my hounds' meat. He sheathes his sword and pulls a dagger from the roast pig. ARTHUR Hold. A calamity may befall us without caution here. MERLIN Aye sire. Turn him into a newt? I can always use a good size newt. GALAHAD Stoning! Nary a seemly stoning have we enjoyed for months. And it can be done safely at a distance! This cheers everyone considerably. Polite applause. MERLIN None of thee like the newt idea, suit thyselves. 'Tis a lot of work anyway. I care not. HANK Fellas, ladies... Can I make a suggestion? You know, where I come from, our favorite is... Wandering-to-Death! You see stoning, the rack...there's lot of clean-up. How about I'll wander off, starve, end up in a ditch. You'll love it! MERLIN Silence! I, Merlin the Great, have divined a solution! Strip him! They do. Queen Guenever checks him out thoroughly. GUENEVER Indeed.... I seeth an ogre of some talent. HANK Thank you. Guenever is it? Yes, I have heard of your beauty. Your name has sounded across the mountains like the sweet songs of the nightingales. Gwen smiles, gives her scarf to a page who hands it to Hank. GUENEVER A most strange and pleasing tongue. Ye shall at least have thy modesty, if not thy life. She waves the guards on. They grab him. HANK Wait, why not my life? But he's lost them. Sir Kay whispers something to Galahad who is in the process of braining a fellow knight with a huge half-eaten leg bone. Galahad listens and giggles. Sir Kay lifts the greasy skin off of a roast pig and flings it like a frisbee in front of the approaching guard. The guard slips on the skin and lands on his butt. The round table breaks into riotous laughter as Hank is hauled away. HANK Wait, what's wrong with my life. I could...I could... introduce you all...to... Munsingwear! THE DUNGEON. Hank is shoved into a dark cell with moldy straw and rats. Rusty chains RATTLE. Clarence stands in front of the cell. HANK I'm in a coma. It was that power surge. I'm in a coma, in a hospital somewhere and my mind has taken flight. CLARENCE Well, then the rest of your body better follow. They mean to hang you on the morn! HANK Clarence! Ol' boy, ol' friend. ...let's talk...ESCAPE! FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. Clarence slips into the shadows. Merlin shuffles up to Hank's cell, stares at him curiously. Hank smiles. Merlin pulls the electric screwdriver from the folds of his robe. He pushes the button as he stares. HANK Don't use up the juice, your worship! MERLIN What spells doth thou weave with this? HANK Oh. Screws. Small metal things. Merlin recoils in fear. He shoots his finger out at Hank. MERLIN Scabbadooo mazzaraccabee! In the shadows, Clarence is mortified. HANK Merl! Whoa! Let's not yell. I know you're upset. Heck, me too. I'm not fond of hanging I'll tell ya right now. MERLIN Silence. Dark sorcerer. Reveal thy spell, or it shall be worse than hanging for you. HANK Worse? How can you get worse? CLARENCE (blurts from the shadows) He'll burn you at the stake! Merlin turns and squints at the page. Clarence faints. HANK Merl. Honestly, let's talk. It's a long story. You wanna get a chair or something? MERLIN 'Tis no fun being charcoal. HANK Okay. Okay. The spell. And if I tell you? MERLIN Then you may hang. Or the axe if you like. HANK Ax, oh fine. What's not to like? In that case, no deal. On the advice of my counsel, I refuse to divulge the spell. So there... MERLIN Ye shall burn then. I'll light a candle for thee... off thy head. HANK Fine with me. Then you'll be sorry when the spell hits. Oh boy, I wouldn't wanna be you! MERLIN I doth listen... Sparky. HANK Let me out. We'll work together. I'll handle all the screwdriving type spells, you can have the rest... you know, eye of newt, curses and demons, enchantments...except for pretty girls, those we split 50/50. Deal? Partners? MERLIN Ha! I have the... ska ru driver! You are powerless without it. You will give me it's spell. And besides, I always killeth other magicians, old habit of mine. HANK I'm warning you Merl. I'm really getting mad now. Last chance, don't make me do this. Merlin scoffs. He whirrs the screwdriver, walks away making magical gestures in the air. HANK Now you did it, Merl! We could've been bigger than Sigfried and Roy! (shouts after him) Hey pal, work on your balloon animals. You'll be doin' birthday parties when I'm done with ya! Hank runs to Clarence whose unconscious head lies near. He taps him. Clarence comes to, looks around terrified. CLARENCE I be dead, worse than dead. I did not realize thou'rt a ska ru driving magician. Spare me! HANK Clarence relax! You're spared! CLARENCE Oh, thank you, thank you! HANK Pull yourself together. Let's come up with a spell, an enchantment...something...crowd pleasing! Let's see, with just the items at hand...you know, like Mr. Wizard. (looks around the cell) Let's see, straw, flatworms, rat shit. No that's not gonna do it. Listen, what day is it? CLARENCE It be Saturn's day. HANK No damn it, the date? CLARENCE By calendar, it be the 20th. HANK You sure, absolutely? The page is shaking, knees buckling. CLARENCE Aye, sire. The 20th. Uh... Merlin, did he perchance mention...me? HANK Lighten up, Clare. Don't be afraid of that old fart. Merl and I go way back, ah...six... seven hundred years, and he... CLARENCE Seven hun...!!! HANK Yah, sure. We did Egypt, Rome, Vegas - one night stands and that sort of thing, you know. I'm...I'm a...magician too! Really! Now look here, Clarence. You go, tell the king that I'm real mad, alright? Yeah, you tell him I'm arranging a little calamity if I should get the meerest teensy taste of a hotfoot. CLARENCE Me?! Tell the King?!!! HANK Clarence, you wanna piss Merlin ...and me off? CLARENCE No, forsooth I swear it! But pray tell what is the calamity? HANK Now then, I will tell you exactly. Um, yeah...Go tell the king that at noon tomorrow exactly, I will smother the whole world in...in the BLACKNESS OF MIDNIGHT! Yeah, that's it! I will blot out the GODDAMN SUN! You're sure today is the twentieth? CLARENCE Certain, sire, one of my hobbies. Can you do that, blot out the sun!? Hank puts his fingers in his mouth, lets out a high-pitched whistle that peels bark. He bends over and slaps hambone. Clarence leans closer. Hank grabs him, presses a carotid artery hold. Clarence slumps. Hank stands over him, screams defiance. HANK No two-bit, dark-age simpleton is gonna crispy critter me! I don't know if I'm here or not but I'm taking charge of this goddamn dream right now! Clarence wakes. HANK How was that, dark or what? CLARENCE Truly. All was blackness. HANK Just a sampling of what's in store for this court. Now get me out of here right now, I'm starting to have dark thoughts! CLARENCE No, Hold good sir! Please, forestall thy spell. I run now to tell the king. See how fast I go.... running now, Sir! Please! Screwdrive not the sun! Terrified, he runs, trips, gets up, hits a wall, keeps running up the stairs. LATER. The door opens, men-at-arms appear. THE LEADER The stake is ready. Come! The strength goes out of Hank, he almost falls. HANK Stake! Wait! Big mistake! The execution is tomorrow. Sunday. A matinee! THE LEADER Order's changed; been set forward a day. Haste thee! The soldiers pull him out of the cell and along corridors and into the glare of daylight and the upper world. EXT. COURTYARD OF THE CASTLE. The stake stands in the center, near it are piled sticks and a monk. On all sides the seated multitudes form sloping terraces rich with color. King and queen sit their thrones. It's a festive outing for the nobility. They chat and snack excitedly. They point at Hank and laugh. Several of the men are laying down bets. Women contentedly do needlepoint. The royal ensemble; strings, drum and pan pipe caterwaul some insipid tune. Arthur looks at them, motions to his guards, who slap them in irons, drag them away. The crowd applauds. Clarence slips up, eyes beaming with triumph. Hank's pissed! HANK Clarence! CLARENCE You wanted out, you're out! Is that not service?! 'Tis through me the change was wrought! I revealed to them the calamity; and so if any would save the sun and the world, you must be slain today, whilst your enchantments lack potency. HANK You what?! CLARENCE Oh yes. And Merlin, the fool, agreed! So now only make a little darkness...only the littlest little darkness, mind, and cease. You shall see them go mad with fear! I can't wait! HANK Clarence, listen, okay? Go tell them you were wrong. You hear me? You made a mistake, I'm... more powerful today. That's right. The screwdriver is a... a... a... CLARENCE (helpfully) A serpent? HANK (desperate) That's right! A magic serpent! ...but more...! CLARENCE A dragon?! HANK Oh God yes yes. A huge dragon, a... hungry dragon. With.... CLARENCE Plague?! HANK Yes yes, didn't I mention that? Oh, full of the worst plague! It's... your fingers fall off, all the bills come at once, lawyers call you at home... horrible. More horrible than... CLARENCE Than...? HANK Than...? CLARENCE What could be more horrible than a huge, hungry dragon full of plague? HANK I don't know! THINK OF SOMETHING!! Tell them! Quick! Clarence runs but is stopped by the guards. Hank is dragged to the stake and chained, sticks piled around him. He raves. HANK What's gonna work, here. Let's see, magic tricks? The devil! (Exorcist voice) I've got the little girl." No one pays attention. He screams! HANK I'm warning you! Dragons, plague. Lawyers! Screwdriver! Infomercials on all your heads! Your drains will never clear! Snot will shoot out of your ears! He tries another tack. He screams to heaven. HANK Wisbrod! Wisbrod!! This is very, very bad! I'll take a pay cut. Forget the health plan! Get me out of here! A man with blazing torch kneels. The multitude strains forward, the monk raises his hands and recites in Latin. Merlin nods, the torcher moves the flame toward the sticks. HANK Alright! Stop right there! You're about to...contribute to photochemical smog! You've heard of the greenhouse effect? I'm very toxic...bad eating habits! (he gives in to panic) Help! At that, the multitude rises slowly. All stare into the sky. Hank can't believe it. Then he follows their eyes. A rim of black spreads slowly into the sun's disk. Hank points at the sun. A shudder sweeps the croud, the torcher hesitates. ARTHUR Hold! Merlin grabs the torch, swings it to the sticks. Hank notes the fear, breaks into his COMMAND VOICE. HANK Right! Hold! Stay where you are! If any man moves...even the king...before I give him leave, I will blast his buns off with lightning! The crowd cowers. Merlin hesitates. The king trembles. ARTHUR Be merciful, fair sir. It was said that your powers could not attain full strength until the morrow, but... HANK Who told you that? ARTHUR Merlin. Hank shakes his head. HANK Merlin! That old dope?! Arthur looks at Merlin sourly. Merlin scowls. The magician looks around for Clarence, the source of his information. He finds the page standing near the front of the grandstand and evil-eyes him. Clarence goes pale, he steadies himself. Darkness grows. Up go appealing hands everywhere. The king is assailed with a storm of supplications, groans, wails. ARTHUR Name any terms, reverend sir, even to the halving of my kingdom; but banish this calamity, spare the sun! HANK Oh, I really don't feel much like talking right now. A thousand pathetic protests come from the grandstands. Hank tugs the monk's sleeve. HANK What day of the month is it? MONK Why... the twenty first. Hank shoots a killer look at Clarence. Clarence, already faint from Merlin's look, sees Hank. The young man's eyes roll up into his head and he passes out. The darkness steadily grows the people become more distressed. They HOWL! HANK Okay, okay! Your kingness... let's talk. ARTHUR Name thy wish! HANK Let's see, what have you got? ARTHUR Riches... uh...wenches. A knighthood, if you like! HANK Uh....nah. How about...a job? ARTHUR A job? HANK Yeah, (points to hapless Merlin) His. ARTHUR Done! Set him free! A ROAR OF APPLAUSE. Arthur grabs the screwdriver and toolbelt from Merlin, hands it to Hank. He waves the screw driver at the sky and makes a Three Stooges gesture. A crack of light appears as the moon moves on. The sky lightens. ARTHUR Do him homage, high and low, rich and poor, for he is become the king's right hand and shall be known as... What name would find favor with you sir? HANK Oh, heck. Just call me...the boss. Everyone applauds. Three new terrified musicians are shoved in front of the king. Shaking with fear, they start a tune. The screeching caterwaul raises hairs on Hank's neck. Wincing, he looks at them, turns to the King. HANK Uh, King... One more thing... THE CHOICEST APARTMENTS IN THE CASTLE. LATER ... are aglow with loud colored hangings. Stone floors, big oaken chairs... Hank is clothed in silks and velvets. A bronze dish with a blazing rag provides the dim light. Hank paces, making notes, mumbling to himself. Clarence and the three musicians follow, annoying him with music. He glares, at them, tries to think. HANK Let's see...no books, pens, paper. No glass. Hmm. No kleenex, no xerox, no pop-top cans. No cappucino! A guy could clean up around here... He looks down at the floor. Turns to Clarence. HANK A guy could clean up around here. Doesn't anyone ever wipe their feet? A particularly discordant SKRONK! Hank grabs the panpipe, smashes it. The musician looks terrified. HANK Sorry. Sorry. Getting on my nerves... It's PMS! He hands the magician back the pieces, sheepishly. MEADOW NEAR RIVER - LATER Hank paces, scribbling notes as the musicians trail cranking softly. Clarence runs up with two peasants. CLARENCE Sir Boss, these be the workers... Jackie the Mason, and Karen the Carpenter... HANK (a beat) Right. In the shallows, down where the oxen ford, we'll build a factory. CLARENCE A what? HANK Like a hovel, only better. ...dam the stream... CLARENCE That's what I say, I'm scared of that thing! HANK (a beat) Right. Build a water wheel to power a mill, looms and a furnace. Here are the plans. And don't tell anyone. It's a secret. CLARENCE Right..Secret. Oh..here! From Allan, the woodman. He hands Hank a cloth bag. Hank takes it. He walks up to the musican with the mandolin, grabs it in mid-screech, smashes it against a tree. He opens the bag and gives the terrified artist a new guitar. HANK Alright, listen up. (he sings) There is a house, in New Orleans, they call the rising sun... The musicians look at each other, shrug, try to follow. AT THE ROUND TABLE - WEEKS LATER. As always, a wild, raucous party. Drunken knights joust with brooms, riding piggy back on servants. Hank parties along. He shows the king an improvement on Clarence's contraption, a primitive lighter. Hank flicks it, a small flame dances. Hank winks at Clarence who winks back. Merlin squints at him evilly and mumbles into his food. Hank leans to him. HANK Merl. Here's a thought. Wash hands before meals. Merlin scowls and moves down the table. Hank turns to a diseased Knight sloppily tearing a joint apart. HANK ...Just a crazy idea...boil water before drinking it. The knight grumbles and turns away. Hank is assailed by the odor of a servant who leans in with ale. He hands him a bar. HANK Here! ...Soap. A new concept in personal hygiene! The servant backs off fearfully, as if it's the anti-christ. HANK Wheuw! The dark ages are tough! Knights who aren't braining each other good naturedly with turkey legs are ogling ALLISANDE, 20, a visiting princess/ supplicant. King Arthur grows bored with the general melee'. ARTHUR Okay. Next story! Who's next! Clarence stands, clears his throat. He dodges several bones thrown at him. CLARENCE Pre...senting...Allisande!... A fine and fair princess, talented in... He bends down, she whispers to him. CLARENCE Swineherding! Allisande stands and does a Miss America contestant turn. CLARENCE Allisande hopeth to have her own kingdom one day, and enjoyeth sunbathing! Everyone applauds. Allisande clears her throat, smiles... ALLISANDE Ladies... Sirs... I speak to thee with hopes that one brave knight may take this story for thy quest. All the knights clamor to volunteer. Arthur slams a goblet. ARTHUR Silence! Haven't heard the stinkin' story yet! ALLISANDE Ah... It is of fair princesses, imprisoned in cruel captivity. ALLISANDE (CON'T) Shut away in a castle prison guarded by three monstrous brothers, each with four arms, and one eye the size of a ... fruit! The story starts on a sunny morn. Yet were the birds aflitting in the hawthorn and yew.... Allisande acts out the tall tale with extreme melodrama. Everyone is riveted. Entranced knights mimic her bird flight gestures with moon eyes for her. Hank watches, aghast. SANDY The tall grasses of summer, played in the wind. The sheep were rutting... Allisande mimics sheep copulating. The court follows suit. SANDY ...and babes made soil in the fields. A few knights make faces, others RUDE NOISES. Finally, Hank has had enough. He lurches to his feet, spilling wine. HANK Hold it! Wait a minute! Uh... it's a lovely story, don't get me wrong. But...the enchanted princess part...You tellin' us there are princesses out there, captive to one-eyed monsters? ALLISANDE Aye, sire. The moon were full. HANK Lady uh...May I call you Sandy? SANDY An it please thee Sire. HANK It do. You're a beautiful girl. But come on. One-eyed monsters? Enchanted princesses? The court is hushed. They look incredulously at Hank. MERLIN As methought! He denies enchantments because his be false! The stake still standeth in the courtyard, 'tis just an idea. ARTHUR My head hath ached of late. HANK Merl, honey, maybe you've had a little too much fun tonight... MERLIN A moon hath he been among us. In that time a two headed calf hath been born not a hour's walk from this table! Quickly the court is in an UPROAR. Arthur looks askance at Hank. Hank notices this. Suddenly, things are serious. HANK Everybody! Guys come on, pipe down. A little respect for Mr. Magic here. Thank you. I'm afraid our buddy Merl is looking for...a showdown with The Boss. Well...Okay! CROWD Okay! Okay! HANK Okay, it's Miracle Time! That's right. I know how you love 'em and I'm gonna do one just for you. I'll... I'll BLOW UP MERL'S TOWER! That's right! Bring the whole family. Merl, you forced my hand. MERLIN (scoffs) And if ye fail, shall be the pit for you. Thou future newt. GALAHAD Pray tell, does no one stone anymore? 'Tis merry sport. To illustrate, he wings an apple at Sagramor which finds it's mark squarely. The knight's forehead explodes into white mush. Everyone howls, Sagramor wipes his face with the small white dog, leaving fur. He joins the laughter. MERLIN So be it! If The Boss faileth in his boast, it proveth my suspicions. That he be not a magician, but a demon with no magic of his own. And stoning shall follow failure. ARTHUR Tsk, tsk, Sir Boss. Denying enchantments, quite serious, I'm afraid. What if we all went about denying enchantments, t'would be a pretty dull kingdom. There'd be nothing much to do! Merlin smirks in satisfaction. Arthur turns to Allisande. ARTHUR Lady Allisande, let us hear more. The babes making soil... SANDY Aye sire. I am sorry I displeaseth Sir Boss. Yet it was as I say... the babes made soil in fields, and forsooth... THE FACTORY Workers throw armor into a flaming caldron. A thin stream of metal flows out a tube and is drawn through a primitive device which forms it into wire. Others work on primitive telephones. Sketches of bicycles are pinned above a workbench where Clarence shows Hank iron hoops off a barrel indicating they are to be used as wheels. Other workers toil over vats. Hank reads to Clarence from his recipe. HANK Let's see...one part saltpeter, one part carbon black... You got any fulminate of mercury? No I don't suppose so... We'll need more men. CLARENCE Aye Sir Boss. MERLIN'S TOWER. NIGHT. The old stone tower is separate from the main castle but attached by a suspension walkway with thick iron supports. At the base, Hank directs the placing of powder charges. They dig stones out of the thick walls and bury charges attached to the armor wires. IN MERLIN'S OBSERVATION TURRET While spellbinding, Merlin hears noises. He ignores them. OUTSIDE WALL OF THE MERLIN'S TOWER. Clarence clambers up, peeks in. The old magician turns away to make a notation. Clarence sneaks across the window. At the highest point on the tower he implants a metal rod. He drops the connecting wire to Hank, who connects it. CASTLE BATTLEMENTS - NIGHTFALL Hank watches the weather. Groups of people begin to gather around the castle. They point at Merlin's tower. The wind comes up and a cloud appears. It spreads and blackens. The king and court assemble and gaze into darkness. Merlin arrives, defiant. Hank checks the cloud, stalls for time. HANK Merl, you old mollusk! We've had our differences. Trying to burn me alive... forgotten. The dungeon... what dungeon? But you know I promised the boys... Kaboom! Nothing personal, it's business. But I want to give you a chance to show your stuff. If you think you can break my spell, it's your inning. Step up to bat. MERLIN I can Sir, doubt it not. And I will. Practice dodging stones, Sir Boss. Merlin draws an imaginary circle, tosses a pinch of powder. FLASH! Everybody falls back, and crosses themselves. He begins to mutter, as others back away from the magic. MERLIN Sazoo...Mumcaruubbee! Mussle puster! Foocheff! Sigwazoo! He works himself up slowly into a frenzy, thrashing around with his arms like a mad spastic windmill. People cower. MERLIN Whachoo Scuzziwewe Wookiwazze! He tires and stops, huffing and puffing. He leans back against an iron torch holder on the castle wall. HANK You sure you're finished Merl? Okay. Hank checks the darkening cloud. Gusts of wind pick up. The first drops of rain fall. Hank stalls. He gives his band the downbeat, launches into his Billy Eckstein impression. HANK That ol' black magic has us in it's spell, that ol' black magic that thy weave so well. (leans in to Merlin) Those icy fingers up and down thy spine... (moves to Allisande...) That same ol' witchcraft when thine eyes meet mine... She's fascinated. More than that, she's entertained! He moves in tight and looks deeply into her eyes. They flash. At first he thinks she likes him, then he sees it's just a reflection. He turns. Lightning lights up the sky. Hank makes Three Stooge passes in the air. He does Ella. HANK Scabbba do, doowee! A FLASH. Lightning bursts out of the low cloud and streaks for the ROD on Merlin's tower. It ripples down the wire. The old tower LEAPS into the sky. A volcanic fountain of fire illuminates the king's court groveling and the people outside the castle flat on the ground in a general collapse. The lightning flashes through the iron supports from Merlin's tower, bounces across the iron torch holders until it hits the one Merlin is near. KAPOW! It blows the old magicians hat off, frizzes his hair out into a super - charged corona. His face is blackened, his eyebrows smoke above blinking shocked eyes. MERLIN Damn. I had it all. Curses, enchantments, girls. But then, a guy gets old... Tower parts rain down on him. HANK Yess!! He does an end-zone boogie, slaps Clarence a high-five. A TOURNAMENT - THE NEXT DAY. Knights with ladies, squires and servants; all shining in barbaric splendor. Clarence leads Sandy in, still bashful but now interested in Hank. Several noblemen and ladies pass Hank and greet him with the new custom, high fives. NOBLEMAN Excellent miracle, Sir Boss. LADY Indeed! Merlin must be green. Hank smiles at the compliments. He turns his attention to a table of scribes scribbling away on parchment with quills. HANK Okay, just write down whatever you see. Can you do that? The scribes nod yes. CLARENCE Prithee Sir Boss, to what end is this writing made? HANK It's called a newspaper. We'll print up a few hundred at the factory and corner the market. CLARENCE Ah, the printing machine, this one 'tis truly a wonder. Clarence notices Sandy keeping her eye on Hank. CLARENCE Yon damsel, marks you well. Hank looks over at Sandy and smiles back. HANK Yes. She is lovely. CLARENCE And a wonderful liar. Keeps it to dragons and such, avoiding matters of the heart like some newer in court. An old fashioned girl. Would that I could lie as well as she. I'd be a knight by now. HANK And I'd be a fortnight! Hank and Clarence walk to the royal boxes and sit. Sandy is behind Hank. Hank begins to flirt with her. She blushes. HANK You come here often? You work or you go to school? IN THE LISTS. Sir Sagramor is doing some great fighting, hacking away. IN THE ROYAL BOXES. Sir Kay waits for his turn to enter the lists, he moves next to Hank, leans in. Hank gets whiff of something awful. SIR KAY Did I tell you the one about tying goblets to the dogs tail? Hank fans under his nose. HANK Yes, you did. Did I mention toothpaste? SIR KAY Well, we were supping with the king... A page interrupts, announcing Sir Kay. SIR KAY Anon, Sir Boss, I'll tell thee anon, 'tis great merriment.... HANK Yeah, right. Laughing to himself Sir Kay clanks away. Hank turns his face away, gasps for air. CLARENCE How many times, the dog-goblet story! HANK And always, with the dog-goblet smell! A GREAT CRASH! A knight lands in front of Hank. Thinking it's Sir Kay, he mutters. HANK God, I hope he's only killed! He turns to the commotion and is FACE TO FACE with Sagramor. SAGRAMOR (enraged) Wish me dead do you? You will have the chance yourself, mark this. He gathers himself up, takes off his gauntlet. He throws it down in front of Hank. He turns to Sandy who stands close. SAGRAMOR This joust I do submit for thy lady's pleasure. He takes her hand, kisses it deeply, glowering at Hank. The king overhears the exchange, takes Hank's arm.


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