ARTHUR
'Tis a serious challenge Sir
Boss. A matter of honor.
SAGRAMOR
Indeed, and love.
Sagramor winks at Allisande. She avoids his eyes.
SANDY
Sir Boss is not able to fend
this challenge.
SAGRAMOR
Ah?
SANDY
He hath not learning of the
knightly arts. Nary hath he
touched sword nor lance.
ARTHUR
Lady Allisande speaks true.
HANK
Since when?
ARTHUR
Sir Boss, thou must steel thy
mind and body to receive this
challenge, lest the laws of the
realm find thee forfeit to the
wishes of Sagramor.
HANK
Your kingship, magic's more my
line... I don't look good in
armor. Steel's just not me, too
bulky around the thighs. I'm
more the intellectual type.
Jousting... I don't know.
ARTHUR
I am bound by the law, Sir
Boss. I'm Monarch of
Merriments, but also Monarch of
Law. Thus is my reputation
maintained. Therefore...
Arthur looks to his side. A scribe watches the jousting.
Arthur whacks him.
ARTHUR
I now make royal decree.
The scribe fumbles with quill pens and bulky parchment.
ARTHUR
Sir Boss shall have one year's
time to master the knightly
arts, and will prepare to
defend his honor with arms
against Sir Sagramor.
And to wit, shall he assume a
knightly quest in which to
practice at arms. The quest
being....
(to the scribe)
Ah, what have we got... in the
way of quests?
SCRIBE
Sire! Let's see...We have a
dragon eating villagers to the
north... ah, sea serpents off
Dover. Damsels in distress near
Canterbury...
ARTHUR
No, no, no... too.... common.
Something more... I dunno...
SANDY
Oh wise Arthur, king of our
hearts, I beseech thee. My
princesses suffer. Give leave
to Sir Boss to quest with me to
their rescue.
ARTHUR
Yes, excellent! That's it!
...enchanted princesses.
SAGRAMOR
Whyfore was this quest refused
me? I did but jump to Lady
Allisande's entreaty at court.
ARTHUR
Enchantments not being your
long suit, I passed this out of
mind as a fitting quest. The
grail is yet with the infidel.
SAGRAMOR
The grail! Thrice have I sought
the grail, thrice has it eluded
me. Years have I spent with no
result.
ARTHUR
Then shall you have one more.
HANK
The grail! Yes, I saw it! It
was just down the road. Elvis
was holding it!
Sagramor is very unhappy. He stomps off.
ARTHUR
Sir Boss, ready thyself. First
quests are often ill-starred
affairs.
Hank looks at Lady Allisande, at Clarence, and accepts.
HANK
Yes, my king. No problem.
Hank motions for Clarence and leaves. Hank looks back at
Allisande, who smiles at him. He forces a smile.
THE FACTORY.
Two men speak to each through crude telephones connected by
a short length of wire. Workmen bang out bicycle wheels in
B.G. as Hank is fitted. Clarence sits close by. Hank stands
in a brace, all iron from the waist down. His chest piece is
on a hoist over him. He is wrapped in cloth, then draped in
chain mail. Armorers bang out dents with metal hammers.
CLARENCE
Now, we proceed with telephone
offices. Yet several operators
have been burned as witches.
HANK
A note. Research fireproof
garments for operators.
CLARENCE
How is it, there? Good in the
inseam?
Clarence feels Hank's crotch.
CLARENCE
Left or right.
HANK
Uh, right.
Clarence grabs the hammer, whacks him in the crotch. WHANG!
HANK
Oof! Thanks.
An armorer whacks a knee joint.
HANK
Ow! Now Clarence, I'll leave
all operations to you while I
spring that girl's royalty.
CLARENCE
Is that what thou calleth it?
Aye, sire, worry not. But do
send workers when thou mayest.
In soap do we yet enjoy a
killing and are short handed.
The chest piece is lowered over Hank. It drops. CLANK!
HANK
Ow! Careful! One more thing,
mind the special armaments. We
have to be ready for Sagramor.
CLARENCE
Aye sire, tis my first thought.
Hank waves jauntily as he is wheeled out on a handtruck.
ON THE ROAD WITH SANDY.
Hank, unbalanced in full armor, mounted on a magnificent
charger. Sandy, on her horse, rambles on incessantly.
SANDY
...like unto the tale Sir
Blight and the silver hare...
HANK
Lady..uh, may I call you Sandy?
SANDY
...Why, perforce it is a
permutation of reckoning which
hath no like in my history, yet
it doth make shorter work of
the calling to one, if that be
of advantage...
HANK
Sandy!
SANDY
Methinks Sir Boss findeth
displeasure in this quest. In
sooth doth my heart ache. Yet
will I find reason to make you
glad. Now will I cheer thee
with tales of enchantment...
Now, the Enchanted Princesses..
HANK
Sandy... okay, don't get me
wrong, love the story, really,
gives me chills... but let's
start from the top. Where do
you live?
SANDY
Yet I live here, sire.
HANK
Right. When you're at home,
where is that?
SANDY
The land of Moder, sire.
HANK
Now we're getting somewhere!
You see! I ask you where you
live and you answer, "The land
of Moder." Easy. Parents
living?
SANDY
My parents, the king and queen
of Moder, yet survive.
HANK
Wonderful. Now as to this
castle, with forty- five
princesses and the three ogres,
tell me...where is it?
SANDY
Where?
HANK
The castle, where's the castle?
SANDY
Oh, as to that, it is great and
strong, and well beseen, and
lieth in a far country. Yes, it
is many leagues.
HANK
How many?
SANDY
Ah, fair sir, it were woundily
hard to tell, they are so many,
and do so lap the one upon the
other...
HANK
Hold it! Never mind distance.
What's the direction from here?
SANDY
Ah, please you sir, it hath no
direction from here; by reason
that the road lieth not
straight, but turneth evermore.
HANK
Alright! Alright, give it a
rest.
Sandy smiles at him, continues. Hank tries to ignore it.
SANDY
'Tis like unto the tale of Sir
Gawaine and Sir Wank. They
happed upon a giant of ten
cubits...
FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD - LATER.
Hank CLANKS along, his clay pipe clamped in his teeth, he
flicks Clarence's lighter, lights up. Sandy starts.
SANDY
Aiee! Thou burneth!
HANK
Yes, I smoketh. It's alright,
bad habit. Don't try this at
home. Ah, now, does this
stretch look at all familiar?
SANDY
Forsooth I am unlearned of the
divers of ways of travel, yet
it seemeth not unlike roads I
have heretofore travelled,
being of dirt and winding...
HANK
Okay, okay. Listen please pay
attention. Tell me if anything,
anything looks familiar.
SANDY
Aye Sir Boss.
A bee buzzes around Hank's visor and settles on his nose.
HANK
Uh oh.
He tries to wave it away, but encumbered, can't reach his
face. He shakes his head to dislodge it. His visor slams
down, wisps of smoke float from his helmet.
HANK
Sandy! Help.
SANDY
Yes, I see, Sir Boss!
HANK
Yeah, there's a bee in here!
But she has turned away.
HER POV
Under a tree, SIX KNIGHTS loiter. They bustle and mount up.
SANDY
Sire! Knights!
Hank thrashes. He blows smoke inside his armor.
HANK
Sandy. A bee! Ow!
Hank is stung and drops his pipe inside his armor.
SANDY
They charge with arms, Sir
Boss. A fine first challenge.
There be only six .
The knights charge, plumes streaming, lances down.
Hanks thrashes violently. Smoke pours from his armor.
The knights ROAR UP! They are are a few feet away when Hank
SCREAMS! He leaps straight up, the visor flies open. A
column of smoke shoots from his helmet. The knight's horses
rear in fright. So do the knights. To them, Hank has no head,
just smoke and flames.
SANDY
Beware Good Knights! Sir Boss
is sorely wretched!
KNIGHT
Sir Boss!
SANDY
The same!
Knights scatter, horses stampede away from the apparition.
Hank tears at his helmet. He falls off his horse, gets up,
blinded, runs into a tree, backs up, runs into the tree
again. Smoke pours from his armor. He whacks his head against
the tree knocking his helmet off. Sandy runs to him.
Together they tear the armor off. Hank leaps out of his iron
pants. The smoking iron legs collapse as Hank runs in
circles, screaming. His flaming butt leaves a thick trail of
smoke. Sandy runs after him, whacking him. Hank rolls on the
ground, slides into a stream. Sandy falls on him, Hank is
face down in the water. She rolls him over. Water and steam
pour from every hole in his armor. Sandy is impressed!
SANDY
Sir Boss! ...nice effect!
A look passes between them. CAMELOT MUSIC UP..as Sandy
gently fans the smoke away from her nose. She looks at him
softly, his armor hissing, his rivets popping. She softens to
him, strokes his iron.
SANDY
Ah...good knight...
HANK
Yes, it is past my bedtime.
IDYLLIC CLEARING BY THE STREAM - DUSK
Horses grazing, fire built, Hank beds down. Sandy
approaches.
HANK
No..no. I've made a bed for you
in comfort. I'll just sit over
here, you know, out of the way.
She hesitates, nods, turns away...turns back.
SANDY
Yeah, verily, good sir. I know
I talketh too much.
HANK
Noooo...noooo. No, not at all.
You're just a very...thorough
conversationalist.
She sinks to kneel by him.
SANDY
No. Tis true. My parents, the
King and Queen, did send me on
this quest to find a champion,
to break the enchantment. But,
also, thou knowest, to get me
out of the house!
She moves closer. He gets nervous.
HANK
Ah...what exactly are the rules
of Chivalry at a time like
this?
She moves closer.
SANDY
Oh, thou pretty much maketh
them up as thou goest along. Do
thou misseth it?
HANK
Huh, what?
SANDY
Thy country.
HANK
Oh..Yes. No. I find this uh...
place in time...very beautiful.
SANDY
Oh, tis but a common time.
HANK
It groweth on you.
SANDY
Where dost thee live, when thou
art at home?
HANK
Hartford.
SANDY
Hartford. Is it far away?
HANK
Very.
SANDY
And what direction doth it
lyeth from here?
HANK
Oh, sort of ...east. And
forward. Well, it hath no
direction.
SANDY
And how doth thou getteth there
from here?
HANK
Oh, you don't. You can't get
there from here...the road
being far away in space and
time...the directions lying one
upon the other...
SANDY
Then thou canst not go home
again?
HANK
No, 'fraid not. Wrong book
even.
SANDY
Parents living?
HANK
Not yet.
SANDY
(a beat. she thinks)
Thou art a true man of
enchantment.
HANK
Yeah, thanks.
SANDY
Doth thou yet miss anything
being thus far from home?
HANK
No enchanted sisters, if that's
what you mean. No... I miss...
What do I miss? I didn't really
have anything there. No quest.
No title. No job, really.
Nobody called me 'the Boss'.
SANDY
What did they calleth thee?
HANK
Oh, just Hank.
SANDY
Hank. 'Tis a nice name. Short
and to the point. No...
magician-ess?
HANK
No. no magician-ess.
SANDY
No Mrs. Boss, no Lady Boss.
HANK
Not anymore.
SANDY
Oh...Thou must miss something.
HANK
What do you miss?
SANDY
I miss my parents, sisters, my
valley, my cottage with stone
wall and flowers in front.
HANK
I miss...I miss...baseball.
SANDY
Baseball?
HANK
A game. Like a tournament, sort
of. You have a bat. And you hit
a ball instead of a peasant.
That's the big difference. And
someone catches it.
SANDY
The peasant?
HANK
The ball. And runs to a base
where he is safe.
SANDY
In a tournament?
HANK
Yeah, and you have three
strikes and four balls. Nine
innings, nine men to a side...
Night falls in the valley. Horses whinny. Smoke curls from
the campfire...The two forms in shadow settle down together.
HANK
...now, the object of the game
is to hit safely...
THE ROAD - NEXT MORNING
Beautiful idyllic morning as usual. As usual, wretched,
mud-covered peasants root in the fields. They look up to see
two mounted apparitions approach.
HANK
No, see. You got a runner on
first, less than two outs. Late
innings, you're on the road.
You play for the tie. Less than
two strikes, he's got to lay
one down.
The peasants stare, their mouths drop open. Sandy turns to
them and rolls her eyes, it's so boring, then she turns back
and smiles her interest at Hank.
HANK
...now, the pitcher knows this,
so they put a play on. Third
charges, first charges, second
covers first, short covers
third...
The peasants stare dumbly as the horses clump out of sight.
ON THE ROAD - DAYS LATER.
Hank and Sandy look starved and weary. They come to a rise
in the road. Sandy stops short. She perks up.
SANDY
The ogre's castle.
They dismount, creep stealthily toward bushes.
SANDY
The castle! Lo, it looms!
SANDY AND HANK'S POV.
A squat mud hovel on a small hill with squalid pig sties.
HANK
Where?
SANDY
Verily, before thine eyes.
Those poor princesses. How the
heart breaks to see them.
HANK AND SANDY.
HANK
I see pigs.
SANDY
Poor dears. How they suffer.
HANK
I see pigs and a mud hut.
SANDY
How strange, and how awful...
HANK
Sandy, these are pigs. And it's
not really a castle.
SANDY
As I feared. Thou'rt then
powerless against such evil?
She breaks down and cries.
SANDY
Lost, lost, all lost.
HANK
Maybe this isn't the castle?
SANDY
'Tis the same, I've failed.
HANK
This is good, Sandy. Really. I
heard you were a good liar,
possibly a great liar...
SANDY
Gracious thanks.
HANK
...but this is too much. You
drag me all the way out here,
to see pigs!
SANDY
'Twere princesses as I told in
court! Hast thou gone mad?
HANK
Me! I'm not the one chasing
Lady Ham and Princess Bacon.
They sit, arms folded, facing in opposite directions.
HANK
(mumbling)
Rescuing pigs.... some kind of
fool... I don't need this...
SANDY
Go if thee must. I will stay.
HANK
For what? Look how happy they
are, snorting around.
A few starved swineherds tend to the stock.
Sandy stands.
SANDY
If thee hold any affection for
me, thou will use thy magic to
protect me.
AT THE PIG PENS.
Sandy walks boldly up to the swineherds.
SANDY
I come on quest from Arthur,
the King! I am under the
protection of The Boss! Be gone
ogres! Release the princesses
from thy spell! Be gone I say!
The swineherds look at each other puzzled.
SWINEHERDS
Where should we go, my lady?
SANDY
Where?
SWINEHERD
Aye. And which princesses?
SANDY
Try not thy tricks! Stand
back!
The swineherds stand back. Sandy runs into the pens. She
smothers the pigs with kisses and tears.
Hank comes strolling up to the swineherds.
HANK
What do you make of it?
The swineherds shrug. They have no idea.
SWINEHERD
Noble blood. A bit like bad
mead, gets 'em all in the end,
sire. I suppose you'll be
wanting to beat us. Harry
there hasn't been flogged
since... when was it Harry?
HARRY
Feast of St. Blister, as I
recall.
HANK
No, no. Listen, here....
SWINEHERD
Care to kick our dog?
Hank hands them a few coins. They are dumbfounded.
HANK
For the whole lot.
SWINEHERD
The pigs? Aye, sire, gracious
thanks... All yours.
Hank goes to the pens, opens the gate. Sandy looks up at him
gratefully. The pigs wander out. The swineherd, Harry, hands
him a long switch.
HANK
No, no, she'll be alright.
HARRY
...For the pigs.
Hank takes the switch and slaps the sides of a big sow.
HARRY
What should we do now, sire?
HANK
Fellas, get yourselves to
Camelot and check in with the
lad Clarence. Tell him the
boss sent you.
Hank waves goodbye. Sandy chatters to the pigs.
ON THE ROAD - DRIVING THE PIGS.
They run through the brush. Hank chases them.
HANK
C'mere pig. Hold, your porkiness...
He grabs one by the tail and hauls her back on the road
squealing. Sandy is horrified. She embraces the pig.
SANDY
Oh princess Angela, a thousand
pardons...
HANK
So now, Sandy, which way to
your family?
SANDY
Family?
HANK
Yes.
SANDY
Which family, my lord?
HANK
Your own family. We have the
princesses, now you can keep
them at your castle.
Sandy hangs her head.
SANDY
May I speak in sooth, Sir
Boss?
HANK
That would be interesting.
SANDY
I have no castle. Though
of...distant royal blood, my
father, the King of Moder is
exceedingly poor.
HANK
Nothing wrong with being poor.
SANDY
'Tis no honor either, so I
have skilled myself at court
manners.
HANK
Lying.
SANDY
...as you like.
HANK
We're not going to your...
kingdom?
SANDY
We must break this spell! My
father hath not great
magicians in his court. He
hath no court. Only chickens!
I sought you out at court...
If thou can blacken the sun,
thou can break this spell.
HANK
Sandy. I didn't really blacken
the sun.
Sandy is shocked speechless.
HANK
And these aren't really
princesses, are they?
SANDY
I shall go mad. Come ladies.
She hurries down the road. Hank runs to catch up.
HANK
The magic you're looking for...
It doesn't exist.
SANDY
No magic. Look at this world.
She points to the fireflies dancing in the twilight.
SANDY
'Tis nothing but magic, and all
beyond understanding.
HANK
Well, yes, in one way. There
is magic... but not that can
turn pigs into princesses.
SANDY
Then pray tell how did they
come to be this way?
HANK
They're pigs! They were born
that way! There is no magic!
Sandy gently touches his face.
SANDY
Poor Sir Boss, blind to all
magic but thy own. Hartford
must be a very bleak and
unmagical place. The world be
full of miracles, Sir Boss,
great and small.
HANK
(touched)
Sandy, the world is full of...
well, magical things but the
kind I have... doesn't work on
pigs.
SANDY
Well why did thou not say so at
the beginning? Then must we go
to the Monastery of the Well,
where dwelleth the greatest of
magical knights, Sir God
Almighty. There shall we seek
his abbot and pray.
HANK
(mumbling)
Who do I have to hump to get
off this quest?
(to Sandy)
How far is it? Ah... Never
mind.
They walk off together.
VALLEY OF HOLINESS.
A monastery distant and isolated in the lonely waste of
desert. Faint TOLLING OF BELLS. Hank stares apprehensively.
THE MONASTERY.
Huge wooden doors are closed. Hank bangs a large iron
knocker. A MONK opens small hatch.
MONK
Go away. There is no water.
Our well has been cursed. God
be with you.
Hank hears chanting, sniffs the air. Smoke powder hits a
fire, FOOF! He looks behind them. On the other side of the
road, behind trees, smoke rises.
HANK
Oh, no. Not Merlin!
MONK
He labors to free the curse.
SANDY
This be the Boss! The magician
who blackened the sun!
The monk stares at Hank. He slams the hatch. Hank and Sandy
stare at each other. The hatch slams open. A wizened ABBOT,
65, scrutinizes them.
ABBOT
Thou'rt Arthur's Boss?
HANK
Yes, your hightop, I am.
ABBOT
Prove it.
Hank is stuck for a moment. He turns around, then turns
back. He performs the old schoolboy illusion of appearing to
dislodge the end of one finger and then re-attach it. The
abbot's eyes bug out. The hatch closes.
SANDY
Thy magic returneth.
Hank smiles at her. The great doors swing open. Black
robed monks appear. The old abbot is nearly crying.
ABBOT
Thou'rt Sir Boss, verily?
HANK
Yes sir, father. The same.
ABBOT
The heralds brought news of
your quest. I prayed you would
come. A miracle.
HANK
Me? Your swellness, I...
ARTHUR
Thou'rt as mighty as Merlin.
HANK
Merl handles the smaller stuff,
weather, curses, that type...
The old abbot gets down on his knees and begs.
ABBOT
Delay not, get to thy work. Aid
thy brother magician Merlin.
We must soon have water. The
vines wither. Soon it will
be... (whispers) the fever.
Hank helps the abbot up.
HANK
Your ripeness, I usually book
miracles in advance...You know,
preparation, scheduling,
budget...
The cleric falls to his knees again. Hank pulls him up.
ABBOT
I beg thee. Merlin hath met
only failure.
HANK
Yea, we saw his exhaust.
Professionally speaking, it's
not a good idea to mix magic...
The abbot sinks to his knees again, Hank holds him up.
SANDY
Oh, do but try sire. My royal
sisters suffer so from thirst.
An old sow stands, her mouth open, panting. A veil stretches
between her muddy ears as befitting her royal stature.
SANDY
(to the Abbot)
Sir Boss, hath a special offer
on enchanted wells. 'Tis this
week only.
HANK
What?
SANDY
He will restore thy well, if
thee speak to Sir God Almighty
to free my princesses from
their spell. 'Tis a deal?
ABBOT
Deal my child! Novenas morning
till night. High Mass,
communion, free rosaries for
the children. 'Twill be the
works.
The abbot and Sandy shake hands. Hank pulls Sandy aside.
HANK
What did you do?
SANDY
Thou'rt a good and kind
magician. Would thee not try to
help these gentle folk anyway?
HANK
Well... sure, but...
SANDY
Then let me handle the lying,
thee stick to magic. Thou
scratch my back, I'll scratch
thine.
Hank looks at her and smiles, gaining new respect.
OUTSIDE THE CHAPEL CONTAINING THE SACRED WELL.
Merlin chants away, flails his arms, hops around muttering.
He sees Hank, chants louder. Hank walks to the chapel.
MERLIN
Hold! Risk you the wrath of the
evil spirits in the well?
HANK
Merl, please. I've been
travelling, I'm tired.
Hank walks into the chapel.
IN THE CHAPEL.
An ordinary well, dimly lit; water is drawn with a bucket on
a chain. He flicks his lighter, looks into the well.
OUTSIDE THE CHAPEL.
Hank walks out, bowls Merlin over, who is peeking through
the keyhole. Merlin points at Hank.
MERLIN
Yield, dark sorcerer!
HANK
(exasperated)
Merlin pleeease! Do you have
to make a scene everywhere we
go? A little professional
courtesy.
MERLIN
Fie and a pox on thee!
HANK
Fine. I've tried with you Merl,
I really have.
MERLIN
I have seen thee speaking to
the lower regions! Either that
or thee spit in the well.
HANK
You're pushin' it, Merl.
Hank gets out his notebook. He surveys the site, finishes
his calculations. He sees Merlin glaring. Hank walks off.
IN THE BELL TOWER OF THE MONASTERY.
The MONK takes a pigeon from his cage. Hank finishes a
note. He folds it, slips it into a band on the pigeon's leg.
The monk frees the bird.
MONK
She'll be in Camelot before
sunset, Sir Boss.
AT THE WELL - THE NEXT DAY.
Merlin burns powder, paws the air, mutters. Hank paces
distances, tests the wind. Monks sit and watch. Hank, Merlin
bump each other. Hard stares; they continue.
HANK
How's the rain dance comin'
along, Merl?
MERLIN
Wait 'til thou seest this,
thou wilt soil in thy pants.
Merlin pours handfuls of powder on a fire. Thick black
clouds make him cough. The crescendo; twirling, blabbering
like an angry chimp. He gives up; exhausted, lays down
gasping. The abbot, monks arrive, jabbering excitedly, drawn
by the smoke. The abbot runs to Merlin.
ABBOT
Well?
MERLIN
Sir Boss hath bewitched it. The
water flows no more Father.
The Abbot turns to Hank.
HANK
Hmm. I don't think so.
ABBOT
He saith none can break the
spell?...
HANK
Not necessarily true. What you
got here is about a five point
six miracle. I usually don't
push it past five with the
stars... well... like this.
Hank gestures at the starless daytime sky. The abbot and
others look up. They all nod in agreement.
ABBOT
Your conditions?
HANK
The well and surroundings for
half a mile, entirely to myself
from sunset today.
ABBOT
Is this all?
HANK
And a coupla ales, make that a
mead and a mead lite.
ABBOT
'Tis said there is great danger
to you.
HANK
The Boss... laughs at danger.
Everyone gasps.
MERLIN
Know ye the spirit's name?
HANK
Yes, I know his name.
MERLIN
Thou'rt a toad lover! Thou must
pronounce it? Knew ye that?
HANK
Yes, I know that too.
MERLIN
Will ye yet utter it and die?
HANK
The Boss... utters at will.
MERLIN
Aha! Then with the well demon
ye art friendly!
HANK
We've talked. But... well
demons, you know, kinda dull.
IN THE CHAPEL - AT THE WELL - SUNSET
The monk shakes in terror. Hank has fixed a candle onto a
monk's wide brimmed hat. He wraps his hands in rags, climbs
onto the edge of the well. The monk grips the crank handle
that controls the chain, braces, eyes wide with fear.
HANK
Calm down. What's your name.
MONK
Lastus Baccilicus de Croop.
HANK
Mind if I call you Butch?
BUTCH
But sir, the evil spirits...!
HANK
Look here. Come on.
Hank flicks his lighter. The monk looks into the well.
HANK
It's just a hole in the wall.
BUTCH
Powerful spirits.
HANK
Butch, Butch, Butch, these are
minor league spirits, sorta the
Cubs of spiritdom. All we gotta
do is patch the hole, okay?
Now slowly, verily?
Hank climbs onto the bucket, holding the chain. He lights
the candle on his hat with his lighter. Butch slowly lowers
him down the well in the bucket.
MONTAGE.
The two work all night. They bring rocks and gravel into the
chapel. Hank holds them in his arms as Butch lowers him.
Butch is straining every muscle to control the chain.
HANK
Butch, have you ever given any
thought to your personal
hygiene? Let's talk later.
MONTAGE.
Hank replaces candles on his hat. Dawn creeps across windows
in the chapel, Butch, exhausted, winds Hank up. Hank has just
enough strength to climb out of the well.
OUTSIDE THE CHAPEL - LATE MORNING.
Hank and Butch are dead asleep in the grass. The Abbot
looks down at them. He's very worried. Sandy is there, she
frets. Hank snorts. Everyone jumps back. Hank talks in his
sleep. Their eyes grow wide with fear.
HANK
Excuse me miss, come here
often? Tried the trail mix at
the bar yet? It's... really
fabulous.
Sandy can't stand it any longer. She runs, falls on Hank.
SANDY
Dear Boss! Cast off this spell!
Hank leaps into the air, his hair wild, disoriented.
HANK
Huh! Wuss a matter!
ABBOT
It worked!
Hank's mind clears. He sees the expectant faces.
ABBOT
Sir Boss. We must set fire to
the village to avoid the fever,
if there be no water. We can
wait no longer.
Hank turns on his heel, marches into the chapel, slamming
the door behind him. Merlin arrives his face blackened.
IN THE CHAPEL - AT THE WELL.
Hank picks up a pebble, drops it in the well. It falls onto
rock. No water. He composes himself, walks out.
OUTSIDE.
He stands in front of the chapel.
HANK
I need more time.
ABBOT
We have no more time, Sir Boss.
Merlin dances a victory jig. He sings happily...
MERLIN
Oh we'll burn him, we'll burn
him yet, we'll burn him at the
stake you bet..
ABBOT
Burn the village!
The crowd wails in horror, Sandy holds a suffering piglet.
SANDY
Sir Boss! We are dying!
HANK
Okay. Give me until sunset!
The abbot turns back to him.
ABBOT
Very well Sir Boss. Sunset.
Then it will the end of us.
MERLIN
(to Hank)
And the end of you! Thou dragon
diddler! The princess of this
region, Morgan Le Fay looks
most unkindly on false
magicians! At sunset you shall
join the rest of the village!
Dress is... informal.
He laughs wildly, dances and waves bye-bye to Hank.
The abbot, the others walk to the monastery. Bells toll.
Hank notices something just beyond Merlin.
HANK'S POV.
The crowd thins. A jewelled and powdered woman, MORGAN LE
FAY, 40, sits regally in a sedan chair shouldered by slaves.
Barbarians surround her on horseback. Merlin skips gaily up
to her, points at Hank. Morgan leans over, spits like a man.
MERLIN AND MORGAN LE FAY.
MERLIN
I have sent word to Arthur's
court of a miracle. He comes in
haste. 'Tis an excellent time,
my lady, to strike two birds
with one stone.
MORGAN LE FAY
Thy scheming maketh me damp.
Morgan fans herself. The royal party turns and leaves.
HANK...
...walks to Butch, wakes him up and guides him to the well.
IN THE MONASTERY - LATE AFTERNOON.
Children cry as mothers fan them. Monks prepare torches.
Sandy soothes her expiring pigs.
OUTSIDE THE CHAPEL.
Hank, Butch stagger out of the chapel, covered with mud.
Hank hears rumbling like approaching thunder. He staggers to
the road. Butch lays down and falls asleep.
THE ROAD.
The rumbling grows to a roar. Hank looks down the road.
An enormous dust cloud rises over a crest. Clarence,
driving a wagon pulled by four horses, charges over the
crest. He looks back over his shoulder. Arthur and twenty
knights also charge over the crest. Buglers announce the
king. Clarence stops the wagon near Hank, the King pulls up.
Hank climbs up into the wagon.
ARTHUR
Sir Boss! Heard you were up to
another miracle! Wouldn't miss
it. Sunset? Yes! Wonderful!
Arthur waves his men on. They jog into the monastery.
IN FRONT OF THE CHAPEL.
The wagon pulls up. Hank hops off, runs to sleeping Butch,
rouses him, guides him to the wagon. He's barely conscious.
BUTCH
I do repent, I do repent. All
my sins, all my sins....
Sandy runs up and helps them unload rockets, spools of wire,
and crude pipe. Merlin peeks from behind a tree.
INT. CHAPEL - AT THE WELL
Butch, Clarence, Sandy and Hank work like mad, setting up
powder charges, running wire and laying a pipe. Pigs in
harness, drag pipe. Butch cranks, delirious with fatigue.
BUTCH
Yes, I am evil... sooo evil...
AT THE GATES OF THE MONASTERY.
Merlin gazes at the chapel with the abbot.
MERLIN
He faileth. Black magic cannot
work on hallowed ground.
ABBOT
'Tis the devil come to collect
the spoils.
MERLIN
Then thou wouldn't mind
terribly if...say Morgan Le Fay
and I... burn him at the stake?
ABBOT
Seems awfully hot weather for
that. But suit thyself.
Merlin smiles.
SUNSET.
The king and his court are in front of the chapel being
entertained by jesters, dwarves. Next to Arthur is Morgan Le
Fay. Her lidded gaze scours the crowd.
IN THE CHAPEL.
Butch lays flat on his back on the stone, snoring. He is
caked with mud, his robe in tatters. Hank, Sandy and
Clarence are filthy too. Hank picks up a pebble, looks at
Sandy, drops it in the well. It strikes water. He grabs Sandy
and Clarence, they dance around laughing.
HANK
Okay. let's go. Showtime!
SANDY AND CLARENCE
Aye, showtime.
Clarence cranks up a bucket of water. They wash.
OUTSIDE THE CHAPEL.
Morgan leans to Arthur...
MORGAN LE FAY
I'm having a little apres
miracle get together at my
castle. Everyone is coming.
ARTHUR
I have no heart for arguing
Morgan. Tonight we feast my
new court magician, The Boss.
MORGAN LE FAY
Arthur, my dearest little
brother, how uncouth! No
arguments, upon my honor.
ARTHUR
The same honor that tried to
poison me this spring?
MORGAN LE FAY
Must thou always throw these
little slights back at me?
ARTHUR
Ere time we sup together, dear
Sister, I lose a royal food
taster. They groweth not on
trees.
MORGAN LE FAY
I just bought you a new one.
ARTHUR
Looketh I dumb to you? I hung
him the day he arrived.
MORGAN LE FAY
'Tis terrible bad form to treat
a gift of thy sister thus.
ARTHUR
I prefer it to being poisoned.
MORGAN LE FAY
Thou shalt never forgive me
then? Arthur, I have changed.
ARTHUR
Into clean underthings?
MORGAN LE FAY
Thou woundeth me greatly. And
thy knights will be sorely
disappointed. They loveth a
good party.
ARTHUR
'Tis overly true, I fear. Very
well, but I shall bring several
tasters. And should one develop
a sniffle, I will leave.
MORGAN LE FAY
Thou art a dear.
Arthur turns away. Morgan nods to Merlin who nods back.
People crowd in. The musicians go into "Let Me Entertain
You". The crowd settles. Clarence, Sandy enter from the
chapel. Sandy poses like Vanna White. Applause.
CLARENCE
Verily thanks for coming to The
Boss's second great miracle.
How many of you saw the Miracle
of the Blackened Sun?
CLARENCE
Give thyselves a round of
applause.
Everyone does.
CLARENCE
Thou art a great looking crowd,
give thyselves another round of
applause.
Everyone does, even louder.
CLARENCE
Delaying not, I presenteth thee
with the magician with the
mosteth, the wizard of wonders,
Camelot's own... The Boss!
Wild applause. The band reprises "Let Me Entertain You."
Hank in a new colorful outfit comes out of the chapel, waving
to the adoring fans.
HANK
Well, well, well, all my
favorite people. I'm gonna do
a little miracle here the boys
and I cooked up. But before I
do, I want you to talk to you
ladies for just a moment.
Ladies when your knight rides
home, he's been plundering all
day, he doesn't want a castle
that smells like your granny's
saddle, okay? Why not have
some great smelling Camelot
Soap, just in case. He may not
want to wash, but it works on
walls, floors and livestock.
It's on sale throughout the
crowd. Just ask for the sweet
smelling, Sir Dumont, he'll be
happy to take your order.
Alright here we go. This is a
little miracle I conjured up
whilst I was on the road
questing. I like it a whole lot
and I think you will too. And
it goes something like this.
He points to the band. They reprise with drumroll. Hank
extends his hands, goes into a trance.
HANK
(slowly, pronouncing)
Noodlestrudel-rootcanal -
fahrvegnugen!
Clarence touches two crude wires together.
On top of the chapel, blue flames shoot up from a cauldron.
People shriek and collapse by the dozens. The abbot and monks
cross themselves. Merlin curses. Sandy gestures to the
cauldron like a game show hostess.
HANK
Trafficjam - downwit ohpeepee
- bungeejumping!
From another cauldron, red fire! People MOAN and HOWL.
HANK
Incometax - rackandpinion -
scrotumtickle nippletweeker!
Green and purple firepots erupt on the roof of the chapel.
HANK
The time has come to pronounce
the dread name and dissolve the
spell. Hold on to something.
Hank stands for a few moments to let the announcement
spread. Arthur and Guenever clutch the arms of their thrones
with giddy anticipation, the others brace.
HANK
I command the spirit that
posesses this holy fountain to
now buzz off and leave us
alone. And from hereafter to
reside in the casino of Circus
Circus for a thousand years.
By his own dread name I
command it - Brian Gumble!
Rockets flash into the sky, burst in a fiery shower. A
groan of terror starts - then breaks into joy. The water
leaps up into a fountain in front of the chapel. The band
breaks into "It Was Fascination", as the water dances,
changing colors as it dances. Oohs from the crowd.
Clarence behind the chapel, pumps away, pulls levers.
Arthur and his court are waltzing under the spray. Merlin
humiliated, curses and stomps in circles, shoving dancers.
MERLIN
'Tis a demon miracle, false!
Stop dancing! In my day we had
great miracles, frogs to
princesses, unicorns, all
kinds!
People throw themselves in the water and kiss it.
IN MORGAN LE FAY'S CASTLE.
The party atmosphere continues but Merlin, Morgan and a
dozen armed guards scheme. She plays hostess.
SIR KAY
Lady Morgan, have I told of the
time I tied mugs to a dog's
tail?
MORGAN LE FAY
Aye. And I howl with laughter
every time. How's the mead?
SIR KAY
Smooth as virgin blood.
MORGAN LE FAY
Ha, ha, ha! You are the
cleverest of all the knights.
Arthur doesn't appreciate
knightly humor like I do.
SIR KAY
'Tis true, but he's good king.
We are always feasting or
hanging someone.
MORGAN LE FAY
And yet I hear, he looks
everywhere to replace knights
with whom he has grown tired.
Mayhaps 'tis you, Sir Kay.
SIR KAY
I? I jest perhaps overmuch,
yet do I return with slaves and
prisoners every month for his
pleasure.
MORGAN LE FAY
Mayhaps it is someone else
then. Have more mead. There
are wenches around...we like to
rape on the veranda. Enjoy
thyself. And stay as long as
you like. I adore having big,
strong knights around.
Sir Kay nods as the beautiful, evil princess winks at him
and moves on to spread her poison among the knights.
Sir Kay is troubled. He finds Sir Galahad with a bow and
arrow. Galahad is drunk and weaves noticeably. Twenty feet
away a servant trembles in mortal terror as he stands in
front of Sir Kay's arrow with a walnut on his head.
SIR GALAHAD
Stop trembling, you'll make me
miss!
Sir Kay nudges Galahad. Galahad turns, accidentally lets the
arrow go; a thud and groan. Galahad looks back and tsks.
SIR GALAHAD
Blast! Someone get me another
walnut!
SIR KAY
'Tis rumored Arthur seeks new
knights for the Round Table,
being unsatisfied with us.
Galahad looks at Kay. Kay nods. They both look over at
Arthur and Guenever.
ARTHUR AND GUENEVER.
A magnificent feast, much more elaborate than Camelot, is
laid out before Arthur and his knights. The king and queen
smile, nod at everyone but jab at each other.
ARTHUR
My sister makes a lavish feast.
Why for I wonder?
GUENEVER
Mayhaps she enjoys these louts
slobbering and spewing on about
themselves....
ARTHUR
You never seemed to mind
before.
GUENEVER
They were not constantly under
foot before. 'Tis intolerable.
ARTHUR
They are knights, as I am.
Slobbering and spewing on is
all part of the job.
GUENEVER
Then have them go quest
somewhere. We never do anything
but that they are with us.
ARTHUR
I'm now planning a war with the
Gauls.
GUENEVER
We don't need a war.
ARTHUR
I know, but it will keep us out
of your hair a few years.
GUENEVER
Oh merry sport! And thou shalt
have to be there to lead every
charge I suppose.
ARTHUR
Guenever, thou realised I was a
king when thou married. I canst
very well say to the boys "Go
start the war, I'll catch up.
GUENEVER
If thou prefers the company of
brutes and flatterers, why
didst thou take a wife?
ARTHUR
Because I loved thee, Guenever.
And I love thee still, even
though thine eyes wander even
among my own knights.
GUENEVER
At least they pay attention and
don't treat me like a hound.
ARTHUR
So! Thou admit it! I should
challenge the Huns as well and
never return!
GUENEVER
What would be the difference
from now?
Arthur steams. He surveys the feast. Knights admire golden
plates, a variety of meats, pies being served. Not like the
basic roast boar of Camelot. Beautiful women kiss and attend
the knights. The abbot chats with Lancelot who sneaks a
glance at Guenever but catches Arthur's glance instead.
Hank is at the king's elbow, next to him is Sandy.
SANDY
Sir Boss. Sir God Almighty hath
not answered our prayers. The
ladies must have their own
castle.
HANK
I don't know Sandy. They seem
quite happy here...rooting
through the garbage.
SANDY
Disgrace! Their reputations!
We must maintain them in their
rightful place of nobility!
She grasps the piglet to her bosom. Hank is embarrassed.
HANK
Pul...leeese! Not in front of
the boys!
SANDY
Art thou nobility or nay?
HANK
No way. I just work here.
SANDY
Then thou art a cad, and a
pretender. Pure and good
ladies sully themselves in the
garbage, and thou art content
to make merry, with no thought
to the peerage, nor the purity
of noble blood, nor the hurt to
the ladies themselves.
HANK
Ah... right. Yeah, that's
pretty much it. You see, where
I come from royalty of that
persuasion is called...
breakfast. And as soon as I get
a buyer for them, they will be.
SANDY
Oh, Thou fiend! Unholy churl!
HANK
I not gonna build them a
castle. A wallow, maybe. A
trough if they're lucky, but a
castle? No way. Get a grip on
thyself.
SANDY
Oh please Sir Boss. Do not
make jest with them. They are
such kind and gentle folk...
HANK
Sandy. I have civilization to
overhaul here and I don't
intend to spend one more day
tending royal pork!
SANDY
Oh if thou couldst but see the
affection they have for you....
'tis like the story of Sir
Mayhew and the serpent. Shall
I tell it to you, then thou
wouldst see....
Hank's hand goes to his head. He catches Arthur's glance.
ARTHUR
The horror of wedlock.
HANK
Artie, may I make a suggestion?
ARTHUR
Speak thy mind, friend.
HANK
Do you know what people will
call these times, the reign of
King Arthur and Camelot?
ARTHUR
The Time of Parties?
HANK
No. The Dark Ages.
Arthur is concerned.
ARTHUR
How is this known to thee?
HANK
Am I a magician, or what?
Arthur concedes.
HANK
People won't remember the
parties. They remember things
that helped everybody.
ARTHUR
Everybody?
HANK
Yes, the common people.
ARTHUR
What? That scum? Well, in fact
I'm now planning a war. A big
war. Everyone loves a war, and
they remember them too. It
gives everyone something to do.
HANK
Artie, you're missing the big
picture here. You need to
diversify. Find new
enterprise, inspire people!
ARTHUR
Hmm.... Nahh. Mark how the
promise of war and plunder
quicken noble blood. Sir
Galahad! What say you, a war
with Gaul?
Galahad is taking aim again with his bow and arrow. He
turns to Arthur and another arrows slips. A thud and dying
scream. He turns back and shakes his head.
GALAHAD
Can't you see I'm at my archery
practice!
Arthur looks sheepishly at Hank.
ARTHUR
Sir Kay, a war with Gaul, what
say you?
Sir Kay is drunk and depressed. He scowls at Arthur.
Morgan's lie has undermined his confidence.
SIR KAY
Oh why ask me? I'm just Sir
Kay, just a knight doing his
job. Why not ask some young
page or a scullery maid?
Nobody cares about the grailing
I've done, the dragons,
damsels... all forgotten!
He lays his head on his arms and bawls like a child.
ARTHUR
Lancelot! We go to war, eh!
The Gauls your favorite!
Lancelot is playing medieval bingo with the monks.
LANCELOT
I'd rather fight in Spain,
better weather.
MONK
B - 13....
Arthur's eyes get wide with fury. He sputters.
ARTHUR
Oh, right! Better weather is
it? Why not stay at Camelot?
Invite someone... to attack?
That way you could stay in bed,
or preferably in my bed with
Guenever!
There is silence. Lancelot looks scared. Morgan Le Fay,
noticeabley cheered, stands, calls for attention. A young
page offers her a tray, he is jostled and a pastry falls on
Morgan's slipper. She clouds up, takes out a dagger and
stabs him. Everyone quiets down.
Arthur and Hank look at each other. Arthur yells at Morgan.
ARTHUR
Morgan, you beast! You've
got company!
Morgan kicks at the boy. Servants drag him off.
MORGAN LE FAY
Well good knights and ladies,
your kind attention please!
From my heart I wish to extend
my congratulations to The Boss
for his... amusing miracle.
ARTHUR
Oh shut up! I'm trying to
start a war, can't you see!?
Arthur stands at his throne.
GUENEVER
Thou maketh a fool of thyself!
ARTHUR
Thou're not overfar from the
pit!
GUENEVER
Lo! The wise King Arthur had to
throw his wife into the pit to
win an argument. How that
would cleave to thy reputation!
ARTHUR
'Tis intolerable!
He climbs up on the table and draws his sword.
ARTHUR
Who will to war with thy king?
Merlin slinks out of the shadows.
MERLIN
I my liege! As ever before!
ARTHUR
Good and wise Merlin! Who else!
No volunteers. Arthur surveys the room. Most of the knights
are drunk on the liqueur the monks poor freely. One knight
stands, falls over drunk. Clarence raises his hand.
CLARENCE
I wilt war with thee my King.
HANK
Hold on there Clarence....
ARTHUR
Look ye. A common page! What
be thy name?
CLARENCE
Clarence, sire.
ARTHUR
Aye, The Boss's Clarence. I've
heard of thee.
HANK
He's booked up, calendar's
completely full...
ARTHUR
And so, I shall find my army
among such as ye, good
Clarence.
Arthur kicks the sumptuous buffet out of his way and stomps
off the table. He stops next to Morgan.
ARTHUR
Yet do I know thee had
something to do with this.
MORGAN LE FAY
Unfair, dear brother. Your
knights simply prefer my
hospitality to yours.
Arthur continues out. Merlin comes to her side as Arthur
leaves. They smile at each other.
Hank is nudged. He sees Sandy's piglet eating his food. He
whacks it, it squeals. Sandy snatches it, hugs it.
SANDY
Forgive him m'lady...
(to Hank, under her breath)
Apologize.
Hank looks around, no one has seen, no one cares.
SANDY
To the princess!
She holds the pig out to him. He's angry.
HANK
Talking to pigs, sleeping with
pigs, eating with pigs. It's
just like the Navy!
SANDY
They do not complain.
HANK
Them! That's it. These pigs go
outside with the others!
SANDY
(under her breath)
They be not pigs, they be
royalty. They stay at table.
HANK
You, my dear, are a nutcase!
And they, are pigs!
Hank gets up and stomps off.
He notices the stabbed page being carried out and Morgan
smiling at him. Merlin nods at him. Hank stops at Clarence.
HANK
I'll work on Artie, you get
back to the factory, alright?
And take Sandy with you. Try to
get her mind off these pigs.
CLARENCE
Aye sire. I've a multitude of
soap orders and two new
telephone offices. Umm... sire,
remember me to the king. Yet
may he make me a knight.
HANK
Knight? Kid, stick with me,
you'll be shtupping in silk.
OUTSIDE MORGAN'S CASTLE KEEP - NIGHT.
Arthur storms out of the hall, sword in hand, challenging
anyone that comes close. They run for their lives. Hank
catches up to him. Arthur turns the sword toward him.
HANK
Hold, I give. You win!
ARTHUR
Win?! I've lost my kingdom, my
queen, nothing's left!
HANK
So you couldn't get a war
started. Everybody has bad
days. I have to sleep with
pigs.
ARTHUR
'Tis more than that. 'Tis me.
Without my knights, I am no
longer a king. I shall stay
here in this monastery. Let my
sister have it all. Sleeping
with pigs, you say. That's bad.
HANK
As your Minister, I advise you
to put the sword away... and
hit the road.
ARTHUR
Hit the road?
HANK
Yea, see how the other half
lives. The great unwashed...
well, that's pretty much
everybody, but anyway. Get out
among your subjects...
ARTHUR
Why would I want to be among
that dirt?
HANK
Opportunity, your
luxuriousness. Out there,
where the real noble struggle,
the struggle for survival is
happening every day, where
kings of the spirit till the
soil and queens churn butter.
ARTHUR
You sound like you need a good
bleeding, my physician has new
french leeches, very fine...
HANK
Artie. Out there are a
thousand, ten thousand
Clarences. Commoners with
royalty in their hearts, and
gold in their minds. Or vice -
versa...
ARTHUR
Ten thousand, you say?
HANK
A figure of speech, don't hold
me to it.
ARTHUR
Actually meet... people?
HANK
Yes. You would be a king of all
the people, and have a hundred
round tables, better than this
one. No pigs.
ARTHUR
Zounds! I have it! I shall go
out among the people! I, King
Arthur, shall truly be a king
of the people! Yet they will
see not raiment nor sceptre,
just my beautiful kingly self!
Then shall everyone rise as
one! Oh what a gorgeous and
bloody war we shall have then!
HANK
Yeah, something like that.
IN A MONK'S CHAMBER.
Hank is giving Arthur a haircut, hacking off chunks of hair.
ARTHUR
I've been dying to get out of
the castle. Oh what adventure
we shall have, Sir Boss.
HANK
Maybe it's better if you call
me Hank and I call you Artie.
Bad form to call each other Sir
and King? Too dangerous.
ARTHUR
Yes, fine and well. You are
learned among this filth and I
shall follow your decisions.
Hank finishes the haircut. Arthur stands. He is in a
peasant's robe. He looks at himself in basin of water and
laughs out loud. He turns and looks at Hank who is in the
same outfit and laughs even louder.
AT CLARENCE'S WAGON - NIGHT.
Hank, in his peasant clothes, lifts the cloth cover, takes
out several large rockets and packs them into a knapsack.
OUTSIDE THE CASTLE - AN HOUR BEFORE DAWN.
Hank and Arthur, ragged as peasants, slip out.
MORE...